This low self-regard makes it extremely difficult for them to be vulnerable or to believe others may actually love them—which makes it easier for them to take advantage of other people. It’s important to remember that while narcissism may make it easier to become abusive, not all narcissists are abusive (though “not abusive” doesn’t necessarily mean “easy to deal with”). NPD is still something of a mystery to psychologists, but it’s believed to stem from childhood trauma, early relationships with friends and family, genetics, hypersensitivity to textures, noise, or light in childhood, or general personality and temperament. [2] X Trustworthy Source Cleveland Clinic Educational website from one of the world’s leading hospitals Go to source
While “empath” has been widely accepted by the general population as a personality type, the term is still relatively unacknowledged in the psychology community. [4] X Research source Because they are so quick to put others first, it’s common for empaths to be taken advantage of, especially by narcissists. As with narcissists’ egoism, empaths’ tendency to put others first may be indicative of extremely low self-esteem. Essentially, empaths believe they don’t “deserve” the attention or care they give to others.
It’s not just empaths who are drawn to narcissists’ charming exterior: lots of people are drawn to narcissists’ positive traits, but empaths may be more likely to look past their unsavory traits than others. [6] X Research source
Many people go into dysfunctional relationships believing they can change their partners, and empaths are no exception here. But unless their narcissist partner actually wants to change, it’s probably best to end the relationship. Over-responsibility is sometimes, but not always, linked to OCD, suggesting that some empaths may be over-sensitive and -responsible out of a desire for control. [8] X Research source Sometimes empaths are born of narcissist parents, and as adults, they may seek out the same dynamic they had with their parents with a romantic partner—either because it’s familiar, or because they believe they can “correct” any ill treatment they may have endured by recreating the dynamic with a partner who treats them like their parents did.
Some narcissists are capable of loving their empath partners, but this doesn’t necessarily mean they know how to show it or know how to be a good partner.
Empaths often achieve a sense of worth from taking care of others, and narcissists need lots of taking care of. Meanwhile, narcissists’ sense of self-worth relies on a constant influx of care, attention, and admiration, and empaths are often willing to provide just that.
During this stage, the narcissist may try to convince the empath that they’re “soulmates” and pressure them into a committed relationship immediately, perhaps sooner than the empath would otherwise be comfortable with.
The narcissist may try to get the empath alone often—which sounds romantic, but is really a form of control. The narcissist may even go so far as to drive wedges between the empath and their social circle to keep the empath isolated. The more control a narcissist gets, the more callous they may become. As the narcissist gains influence over the empath, they may act in increasingly cruel ways, such as by lying to the empath or having affairs.
When the empath tries to assert boundaries or communicate reasonable expectations of the narcissist, the narcissist may accuse the empath of being selfish or needy, and argue that they themselves are a “victim. ” A narcissist may also employ the manipulation tactic known as “fiend progress” to convince the empath that they’re working on their personal growth. Fiend progress might involve pretending to attend therapy or weaponizing therapy lingo to convince the empath that they’re “changing. ”
The narcissist may employ a technique known as “hoovering” to “suck” the empath back into their web. They’re likely to do this once the empath begins to become more independent from the narcissist.
If the narcissist refuses to respect the empath’s boundaries in a given situation (for example, they begin yelling at the empath during an argument), the empath may choose to exit the situation. It can be hard for an empath to set boundaries when they’ve been conditioned to be “selfless,” but remember, setting personal boundaries is not selfish! In an abusive situation, it’s best to leave as soon as possible. There’s no point in trying to convince an abusive partner to respect boundaries. At a minimum, dealing with a narcissist is exhausting. While trying to improve the relationship may be worthwhile, the empath may leave whenever they want, even if the narcissist isn’t abusive.
For instance, because narcissists are so insecure, the empath spending time with friends may trigger irrational alarm in the narcissist, causing them to lash out. The empath may prepare for this by informing the narcissist of their plans ahead of time, and reassuring them they still care about them, they aren’t abandoning them, and they’ll be back later. With lots of time and patience, the narcissist may learn to manage their triggers more effectively.
The compliments must be genuine, though, and not just flattery: authentic compliments can help narcissists identify their positive traits and accomplishments and be encouraged to develop them, while false flattery is likely to contribute to their grandiosity.
The narcissist may try to convince the empath that taking personal time is “selfish,” so it’s important for the empath to hold their ground here.
Because narcissists are so skilled at manipulating empaths’ reality and sense of self, good friends are an invaluable resource: they can help maintain the empath’s confidence as well as offer an outside perspective on the relationship when need be. A strong social network will also help the narcissist, who may benefit from having a support system (beyond their partner) of people willing to confront them about their behavior when needed. [16] X Trustworthy Source Cleveland Clinic Educational website from one of the world’s leading hospitals Go to source
Just because a narcissist attends therapy doesn’t mean they’re committed to changing. Empaths must be aware of narcissists’ tendency to fake “fiend progress. ” But not all narcissists who attend therapy are faking it: they may be hard-pressed to seek therapy for the sake of the empath, but they may attend if they notice their personal or professional life is suffering due to their own behavior. It’s important to remember that NPD isn’t a character flaw, but a mental health disorder, and with time, therapy, extreme effort, and perhaps medication, narcissists can learn to manage their symptoms. [17] X Trustworthy Source Cleveland Clinic Educational website from one of the world’s leading hospitals Go to source
Some narcissists have a desire to “conquer” empaths who are particularly confident or independent. [18] X Research source Once the empath has been broken down due to the stress of the relationship, the narcissist may lose interest until the empath rebuilds their confidence again.
The narcissist knows that much of an empath’s self-worth is tied to how kind they believe themselves to be, and they may use this against the empath by accusing the empath of being selfish for leaving. In some cases, the narcissist may even resort to threatening self-harm if the empath doesn’t return.
This punishment could take many forms. Sometimes, the narcissist will spread rumors about the empath to turn others against them, or, if they’re married, they may drag the empath through a long and expensive divorce, just for the sake of hurting them. The empath must not underestimate the havoc their narcissist ex can cause. If the empath believes they could be in any sort of danger, they can take steps to protect themselves by reaching out to domestic violence networks and trusted friends and family for support.
